You laugh, you like

[jw1739]

Better than a Flu Shot!  

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, pointing to the bowl, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a while ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ and keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.’

 ‘So that’s what I did. And do you know, I haven't had the ‘flu all winter.’ 
 

[jw1739]

Down-at-heel man muses:

"They used to call me "poor", then they told me that was derogatory, so they called me "working class." Then they said that that was a Marxist construct, so they called me "disadvantaged." Then they said that sounded like victim-blaming, so they said I was from a "lower socioeconomic group." Then they said that that sounded like a disincentive to emerge from my situation and so I became a "future aspirational." Then they said that that sounded as if I wasn't trying hard enough, so now I'm an "emergent citizen."

I still don't have any money.

But I do have a great vocabulary."

[haz]

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

[haz]

So I went to the local maccas two or three weeks back, and placed my order through the intercom. All good no problems. Pulled up to the window and the person taking the orders was a Muslim girl in a full black burqa. Now I'm not racist, but I was quite surprised. But I didn't say anything, just took my order and left.

Then last night I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up one of those burgers there were advertising. Pulled my order thru the intercom and drove up to the window. But surprisingly it was a again a Muslim in a burqa, but instead of black she was wearing a pink burqa. Her eyes and voice were the same, so I asked:

"didn't you work at McDonald's?"

She was taken aback, but she responded: "yeah"

"So why you working at Hungry Jacks, and why are you wearing a different burqa?"

She looked at me dead in the eyes, and said:

"Because the burqas are better at Hungry Jacks"

[jw1739]

Several years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very, very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out from underneath  the twisted cart.

 "John, she said, (her loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come into my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

 "Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

 She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.

 "Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."

 After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

 "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still under the cart, I guess."

[bt50]

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm. 

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

[haz]

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[jw1739]

Viewer Advice: Politically Incorrect

Queensland (or if you're from Queensland, Tasmanian) Logic

Two  Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm  tired of going through life
without an education.  Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community
college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim  goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs  him up for the four basic classes: Maths,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I  think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife

And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing,  you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English,
History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a poofter."

[n i k o]

22 minutes ago, jw1739 said:

Viewer Advice: Politically Incorrect

Found this pretty funny too 

[jw1739]

Aye-up Petal!

Image deleted.

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by jw1739

[bt50]

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?.

Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.

[jw1739]

At a time when perhaps we're feeling a bit gloomy...it's good to know that there's still a bit of light-heartedness in football...

From the web-site of my non-league home-town club in a request for volunteer help to get the stadium ready for the first match of the season: "Some of his usual volunteers are unavailable so any help would be appreciated. No special skills required, although being upright and possessing a pulse would be good."

[mattyh001]

Didn't know if to put this here or the "cool shit you find on the internet" thread.

Made me laugh hard any way.

Just when you thought kids movies were safe, you find this crazy shit from the mid 90s.  

And yes, the vhs copies with it on the cover (before Disney realised) are now collectables

[haz]

3 hours ago, mattyh001 said:

Didn't know if to put this here or the "cool shit you find on the internet" thread.

Made me laugh hard any way.

Just when you thought kids movies were safe, you find this crazy shit from the mid 90s.  

And yes, the vhs copies with it on the cover (before Disney realised) are now collectables

Stars in the Lion King spell "SEX"

 

Also in the Wizard of Oz, a munchkin hangs himself

Edited August 15, 2018 by haz

[bt50]

A Soviet inmate goes to the prison library and requests a copy of a book from the library attendant.
She has a quick check of her database and looks up at the prisoner sadly. 
"Im sorry comrade, but we do not have the book. We have its author though."

[jw1739]

I am forwarding to you this most perspicacious e-mail concerning newspaper readership, received from a friend this morning.

1. The Australian Financial Review is read by the people who actually run the country.

2. The Canberra Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Australian is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4 The Sydney Morning Herald is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The Australian.

5. The Courier Mail is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country if they didn't have to leave Queensland to do so.

6. The Age is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The Melbourne Herald Sun is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The Sydney Daily Telegraph is read by people who don't care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous preferably while intoxicated.

9. The West Australian is read by people who used to run the State and would like to do so again but are in prison for the way they did it the first time.

10. The back page of the Hobart Mercury is read albeit very slowly by people who can’t read the other pages but need the Aussie Rules scores.

11. The Adelaide Advertiser is read by people trapped in a line at the supermarket waiting for the electricity to come back on.

12. The Northern Territory Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

13. Crikey is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but in any case they oppose all that they stand for unless the leaders are LGBTIQ+, handicapped, non-white, ethnic or religious minority, feminist, #metoo, atheists, or illegal immigrants from any other country. Provided of course, that they are not conservatives.

The only time I buy a newspaper is when we have run out of The Leader and need something to use as a bin liner now that plastic bags are no longer PC. Besides, it is now also not PC to include nearly naked beautiful ladies on the second page.

The long and short of it is that the fun has gone out of reading a newspaper. 

[mattyh001]

[jw1739]

[jw1739]

Viewer Advice: Politically Incorrect themes

Senior's Tax Return Puzzle

 I just received a letter from the ATO about my 2017 tax return. They are questioning my claim about dependents.

Where it asked "How many dependents do you have?" I had replied:

"100,000 Muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 10,000 crack heads in rehab; 1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work, 25,000 people in prison, 3,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday, and 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate."

The ATO letter advised me that this was an incorrect answer.

SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE F**K DID I MISS"?

[jw1739]

https://www.thesun.co.uk/video/tv/actress-emma-chambers-i-cant-believe-its-not-butter-as-alice-tinker-in-the-vicar-of-dibley/

[bt50]

Got randomly attacked by three blokes last night.

I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time for a wank but whatever, it could have been my last.

[mattyh001]

[jw1739]

Name of Ladies Fitness Centre in Hampton Street, Hampton, 3188:

"Train-Rec"

Wonder who thought that one up?

[jw1739]

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant-Major found himself at an evening gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic and very attractive ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant-Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant-Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?" 
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action" 
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant-Major just continued to stare at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex? 
"1955, ma'am" 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned her head against his bare chest and gasped,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant-Major glanced at his watch, and said, "I should hope not;  it's only 2130 now." 

(Gotta love military time!)

[mattyh001]

[bt50]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

Husband's Diary:

Who the fuck loses when 1 up and they are down to 10

[mattyh001]

[jw1739]

 

[jw1739]

One more:

[bt50]

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts.

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out. "Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss.

Stalin orders Zhukov brought back.

Once Zhukov is back in the room, facing Stalin, Stalin asks him, "Comrade Zhukov, would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"

"I said 'mustachioed asshole', Comrade Stalin," replies Zhukov.

"And to whom were you referring?" asks Stalin.

"Why, Comrade Stalin, Hitler of course," says Zhukov.

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev. "And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, to whom did you THINK he was referring?"

[jw1739]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

 

  He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

 

  One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

 

  - What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

 

  The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

 

  - Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

 

  "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

 

  - What is your name?  –Asks the Director.

 

  - John Smith H.

 

  The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

 

  - Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

 

  - Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

 

  The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

 

  - Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

 

  At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

 

  - We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

 

  Mr. Smith began his story:

 

  - I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

 

  Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

[jw1739]

Video deleted - overloaded attachment quota.

 

Edited May 31, 2021 by jw1739
Video deleted.

[jw1739]

Lighten up fellas - some good ones here. Enjoy!

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Frank Sinatra
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." 
George Burns
 
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
Barbara Bush 
 
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
Robin Williams
 
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,  where, of course, men are just grateful." 
Robert De Niro
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
 
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
Robin Williams
 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." 
Joan Rivers
 
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." 
Steve Martin
 
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Bob Hope
 

 

[jw1739]

[jw1739]

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

[jw1739]

Morris ,  an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for his annual check-up.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  The doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing well, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor...Get a hot mumma and be cheerful.''  To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris... I said, you've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[jw1739]

Golf Quotes

1. Three over today: One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett

2. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula and I took a 7 to do that ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray

3. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play a bad lie ~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle

4. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them ~ Actor Kevin Costner

5. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

6. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree ~ Tom Weiskopf

8. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered ~ Lord Robertson 

9. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner ... and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air ~ Jack Benny

10. There is no similarity between golf and putting. They are two different games. One played in the air and the other on the ground ~ Ben Hogan

11. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best ~ Jack Nicklaus

12. The Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course ~ Billy Graham

13. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf ~ Bob Hope

14. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap ~ Henny Youngman

15. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball ~ Jack Lemmon

16. You can make a lot of money in this game Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work ~ Lee Trevino

 

[jw1739]

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Harbour.

Just before she could throw herself off Circular Quay, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

 Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Manly Ferry."                              

[jw1739]

Gotta watch if you haven't.

 

[jw1739]

Especially for those fed up with Victoria's lockdown etc.....

This one really works! It will take you only about ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie.

DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR arithmetic, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. 

You will be AMAZED at how scary, true and accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number.

Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

 MOVIE LIST  :
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Dan Andrews Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire