Jump to content
Melbourne Football

You laugh, you like


Tesla
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • 2 weeks later...

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

spiderdrawing.gif

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,

You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>

spiderdrawing.gif

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,

Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.

Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.

I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

spiderdrawing2.gif

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>

spiderdrawing2.gif

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...
  • 5 months later...

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...
  • 3 years later...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times reported that "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!

Edited by jw1739
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course 
lined with million-dollar houses. 
On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, be very careful when you 
drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune 
to fix." 
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the 
biggest house on the course. 
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. 
All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is 
going to cost." 
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. 
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken 
bottle lying on its side in the foyer. 
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" 
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. 
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a 
thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to 
grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the 
last one for myself." 
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for 
the rest of my life." 
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" 
the genie said, looking at the wife. 
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. 
"Consider it done," the genie replied. 
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. 
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with 
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of 
money and all those houses, darling. I guess I don't care." 
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. 
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and 
said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" 
"Thirty-five," she replied. 
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing." 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hoping someone can help me out.


I managed to get tickets for the Champions League final. The full works - hospitality, accommodation, travel from the Scottish airport of your choice.

Stupid, stupid me. I was so excited to get them I neglected to notice that the date clashes with something rather important- my wedding day:(

Having forked out the best part of 4 grand for the football package I'm wondering if someone wants to take my place?

 

 

It's 4.00 p.m. at the big kirk in Lerwick. Her name's Jessica and she's no' a bad sort. Makes a lovely pot of Scotch Broth and has a right cute wee smile.

  • Like 2
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

 A few short jokes for you'll

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  


 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.  


 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
 
 
 
 I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.  
 

 
 My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
   

 I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 

 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the Cairns Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian from Brighton, married to a wealthy business
man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Port Douglas,
Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my
first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Port Douglas commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Port Douglas commented, "Well, isn't that
fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Port Douglas lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"


The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to ‘Charm School," declared the Port Douglas lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they possibly
teach you??"

The Port
Douglas lady responded, "Well as an example... they taught me to say, "Well, isn't that
fantastic?" when I really mean "Who gives a fuck?"

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, jw1739 said:

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the Cairns Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian from Brighton, married to a wealthy business
man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Port Douglas,
Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my
first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Port Douglas commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Port Douglas commented, "Well, isn't that
fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Port Douglas lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"


The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to ‘Charm School," declared the Port Douglas lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they possibly
teach you??"

The Port
Douglas lady responded, "Well as an example... they taught me to say, "Well, isn't that
fantastic?" when I really mean "Who gives a fuck?"

 

 

Coming from Cairns this joke is inaccurate, the elderly woman from Port Douglas would be so high on weed she wouldn't have made it to the Airport.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

 During a dull Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor-General Cosgrove.

"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart! Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cosgrove, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words? He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Chloe, “but neither does the parrot."

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jokes in 2007:

10 minutes ago, jw1739 said:

 During a dull Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor-General Cosgrove.

"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart! Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cosgrove, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words? He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Chloe, “but neither does the parrot."

 

Jokes in 2017:

30epiie23d301.jpg.b0754e8952c0d63e3d83deff90a891dc.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...