jw1739 Posted December 4, 2021 Report Share Posted December 4, 2021 You know lads that there's nothing worse than having to go to a shopping centre with your wife. I thought I'd done well this week avoiding that dreaded outing, but today I actually found something that's even worse. A Christmas Decoration Shop. We'd hardly got in the door when her eyes lit up like, well, a Christmas Tree, and at the rate that the items were going into the trolley I though we'd be bankrupted before the afternoon was over. I didn't realise that she had intended to save the entire Chinese trinket manufacturing industry in one afternoon. Finally we inched closer to the checkout and my sense of impending doom reached fever pitch. Then fortune at last swung my way - she needed to go to the toilet and ran out the door leaving me alone to face the bill that was coming. I had time to return half the items to the shelves and pay before she returned...and she didn't even notice what I'd done. And still doesn't. A bloke has to have a lucky break sometimes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted December 20, 2021 Report Share Posted December 20, 2021 She could've told me sooner that she wasn't coming. I've already bought a Coles Christmas Pudding (on special) and was planning to make the custard for her myself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattyh001 Posted January 8, 2022 Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted May 23, 2022 Report Share Posted May 23, 2022 If sometimes you find yourself feeling useless... remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted May 24, 2022 Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 I haven't got anything done today. I've been in the fruit and vegetable section of the supermarket trying to open this stupid plastic bag. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted May 25, 2022 Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 A couple of seniors one-liners: Hard to believe I once had a phone and when it rang I picked up the handset without knowing who was calling. Turns out that being a senior is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattyh001 Posted June 25, 2022 Report Share Posted June 25, 2022 From a playground in Canada, erected in 2021 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MHFC-FAN Posted June 26, 2022 Report Share Posted June 26, 2022 1 hour ago, mattyh001 said: From a playground in Canada, erected in 2021 What is it? 😁 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattyh001 Posted June 26, 2022 Report Share Posted June 26, 2022 2 hours ago, MHFC-FAN said: What is it? 😁 finally a playground that actually is fun for all ages 😉 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted October 26, 2022 Report Share Posted October 26, 2022 BEST LAST KISS Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted December 2, 2022 Report Share Posted December 2, 2022 (edited) An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbadian, a Botswanan, a Belarussian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a St. Kitts and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinian, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.” Edited December 2, 2022 by jw1739 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted December 2, 2022 Report Share Posted December 2, 2022 (edited) A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - £20.00 Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - £35.00 Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, £55.00 The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now." Edited December 2, 2022 by jw1739 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted December 2, 2022 Report Share Posted December 2, 2022 There are only two things that my wife and I argue about. Money and sex. I reckon she is charging me too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted December 19, 2022 Report Share Posted December 19, 2022 I've got a new hobby - blindfold archery. If you haven't tried it you must. You don't know what you're missing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted January 17, 2023 Report Share Posted January 17, 2023 "HOOTERS" Two lads grow up together, and after university one moves to Brisbane and the other stays in Melbourne. Before they part they agree to meet once every ten years to play a round of golf in Sydney. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch." Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those waitresses with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After the round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Steaks are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have seniors discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let’s give it a try." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jw1739 Posted August 17, 2023 Report Share Posted August 17, 2023 Are you as moral as you think you are? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results so your answer needs to be honest. THE SITUATION: You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. THE TEST: Suddenly you see a man in the water. He's fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Donald Trump! At the same time, you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful Republican men hell-bent on the destruction of America. THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. Would you select high contrast colour film or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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