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The s2m/Deviate dirty joke thread. (offence guaranteed!)


Braveheart
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Three boys are discussing which mum has got the biggest mouth.

Boy 1: My mum can have a whoe apple in her mouth

Boy 2: My mum can have a whole orange in her mouth

Boy 3: My mum can have an entire lamp in her mouth.

No way, the two other boys says.

Oh yes, she can.

Last night when I walked past my mum and dad's bedroom, I heard my mum say: 'If you turn off the lamp, I'll put in my mouth'.

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like,

I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom...you still awake?'

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My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.

The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.

I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.

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A married couple are driving down the road when they come across an injured skunk.

The wife says "we have to help the poor Lil fella", she jumps out the car and grabs the skunk.

When she gets back to the car she says "the poor thing is cold, his shivering, what should I do"?

The husband says "put him between your legs to keep him warm."

The wife asks, "what about the smell?" The husband replies "just hold his nose."

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A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

...."No. They're all at the funeral."

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Two abo's are in a bar talking, one says to the other "Have you ever noticed, that after you have sex with a white woman, that your eye's burn, your nose runs and you get all teary-eyed"?

The other abo answers, "Yeah, all the time"!

The first abo asks, "Why is that"?

The other replies, "I reckon it's the capsicum spray".

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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to shave her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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