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The s2m/Deviate dirty joke thread. (offence guaranteed!)

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bazzatron    1,877

When i was younger, i found it hard to talk to women...

Coz i was hiding in there closet, masturbating.

 

LOL, LR9 was the only person to like this joke.

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mus-28    2,293
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
 
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
 
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
 
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
 
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
 
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
 
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
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mus-28    2,293
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along side the road eating grass. Concerned over the scene, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
 
"We don't have any money for food;" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass to survive."
 
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
 
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
 
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
 
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
 
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "I am grateful for your generousity, but, sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
 
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
 
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
 
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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Jestr    1,232

How does a Tasmanian boy know his mom has a period ??

His younger brother's dick tastes funny

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mus-28    2,293

This kid and his girlfriend want to have sex, the problem is his little brother sleeps on the bottom bunk in his room.

 

So they decide to use code words. tomato for hard, lettuce for less... so they start going and shes screaming lettuce tomato lettuce tomato.

 

All of a sudden his brother yells up "Quit making sandwiches your getting mayonaise all over my face!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 
 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." 
 
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. 
 
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." 
 
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 
 
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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Jestr    1,232

How does a Tasmanian boy know his mom has a period ??His younger brother's dick tastes funny

Couldn't you just say Adelaide.

Sorry, let me make it up to you.

What's the definition of foreplay in ADELAIDE

Mom, you awake????

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Petercrouch    238

Not really a dirty joke, or a joke. But some ammo for you Heartinhobart that I heard from another Apple Isle local...

What do you call a mainlander that makes inbred jokes? A cunt

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dRoy    572

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips..!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice..!"

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mus-28    2,293
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. 
 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. 
 
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 
 
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 
 
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. 
 
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 
 
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' 
 
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 
 
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 
 
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 
 
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 
 
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
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mus-28    2,293
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
 
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class. 
 
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 
 
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
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KD.    713

 

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
 
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class. 
 
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 
 
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

 

hahahaha owe you a like

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mus-28    2,293
A lonely guy looking for satisfaction wanders into a brothel. He tells the Headmistress he only has $10 to his name. After some consideration, she takes him to a room at the end of a hallway. Inside is a chicken. He gives it some thought, decides he may as well get his money worth, and he fucks the chicken.
 
A week later he comes back. He's only got $5, this time. She takes him to a room near the end of the hall. Inside, a cluster of men are jerking off to a view of the next room, through a one-way mirror - a man is having sex with a grotesquely obese woman. Off-handedly, he remarks, "That's really fucked up."
 
One hears his comment and responds, "That's nothing! Last week we all watched some dude fuck a chicken!"
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Jestr    1,232

I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” . . .

....thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

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mus-28    2,293
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
 
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
 
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
 
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."
 
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
 
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
 
There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.
 
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
 
And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab."
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Jestr    1,232

My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down's Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

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Deviant    1,491

Got this in an email, thought it was funny.

 

 

Today's word is ..................Fluctuations

 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
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