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The s2m/Deviate dirty joke thread. (offence guaranteed!)

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Braveheart    2,792

:D

I thought it about time to re-launch the dirty joke thread for two great reasons

1) it was the only thread s2m/deviate would ever post in

2)It was fucking HI-LAIR-EE-US!!

Disclaimer, nothing is taboo here so if you have delicate ears(eyes) or are a PC warrior... FUCK OFF ;)

"As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". "

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Deviant    1,491

LMAO! - it wasnt the ONLY thread i'd post in.. but it did hold the majority of my post count. lol.

Well, since it's back up... i'd like to start by saying. Braveheart, your a FUCKING GUN!

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tomby    799

Saw this one on the internet, made me laugh haha.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

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Deviant    1,491

Three blokes each take their wives to Crown Casino and book a room for the night. At dinner, they are each bragging about how good their wife is in bed.

One bloke says, "We should have competition tonight, whoever has sex the most times wins!"

"Ok", said the other two blokes, "But how do we know for sure who won?"

"Tomorrow morning at breakfast, the amount of toast you order equals the amount of sex you had", suggest the first guy.

Upon agreement, they all returned to their rooms for the night.

Next morning, the first bloke goes to the counter and orders to pieces of toast.

"Not bad" says the second bloke, "but I'll have 3 pieces of toast, thanks",

The third bloke says, "wow, that's pretty good, But I'll have 4 pieces of toast and make 2 of mine Brown!"

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Deviant    1,491

What's the worst stain to try and remove from your little boys underwear?

Michael Jacksons Makeup!

Credit to Luca for this joke.

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Deviant    1,491

Peeling off a banana skin is like taking a bra off a domestic abuse victim.

You never what condition the goods are in until the layers are off and by the time that's done, you don't mins if there's bruises, your having it anyway.

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Deviant    1,491

A 16 year old tells her parents she's pregnant, to a married older man!

Her dad says in an angry rage, "Bring him home, i'm gonna fucking kill him!"

The man arrives and says, "i wont leave my wife, but i'll take care of your daughter and my child. If it's a girl, they can have my house and 2million dollars, if its a boy they can have my house, two million and inherit my firm. But i dont know what to do if she miscarries?"

The father pauses and says, "You can Fuck her again!"

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Deviant    1,491

i got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party... When you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

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JVR04    8

Saw this one on the internet, made me laugh haha.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

that is funniest thing ive read in a while (Y)

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stephaniexo    25

Heard this one from a guy at a night club.

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

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Myki    143

Heard this one from a guy at a night club.

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Agh heard those in many different scenarios... some pretty sick lol

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Scouser    422

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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Scouser    422

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

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Scouser    422

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On xmas day the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mum was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mum said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

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Scouser    422

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

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Scouser    422

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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Scouser    422

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a Gypsy and told her her problem.

The Gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

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Scouser    422

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day they meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times then wiped my Dick on the curtains and she still screaming 12 hrs later."

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Deviant    1,491

A teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny: I want a wife like the moon!

Teacher: Wow... what a choice. Beautiful and calm like the moon!

Johnny: No! i just want her to come at night and fucking dissapear in the morning!

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Deviant    1,491

When the missus left, i was upset and lonely.

Since then, i've got a dog, bought a harley, fucked two women and blown a grand on liquor and cocaine...

She's gonna be fucking mental when she gets home from work!

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Deviant    1,491

These new compensation lawyers are shit! When our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence, they told me to take a picture of her gash...

Guess whose in court tomorrow!

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Deviant    1,491

How do you know your girlfriend is too young?

When you have to make aeroplane sounds to get your cock in her mouth.

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Deviant    1,491

A had a friend that didn't believe in sex before marriage...

So I showed him some photo's!

I said, she cant be married to all 4 of them!

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Deviant    1,491

I was watching a film with my little boy.

He said "Daddy, i'm scared, is that lady going to die?"

"Probably", i replied, "Judging by the size of that horses cock".

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Deviant    1,491

My girlfriend swallowed after a blow job for the first time in 5 years last night...

I wonder if it's a sign she's coming out of her coma?...

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danepak    41

Here's a Danish joke:

A 16 year old girl is living home with her Dad.

It's Saturday night and she wants to go out.

Dad sits in the living room, watching telly.

Girl: Dad, can I go out tonight?

Dad: Yes, but you'll have to be home by 10pm.

Girl: But Daaaad, that's too early.

Dad: 10pm, no later.

Girl: Daaad, pleeeease.

Dad: OK, you can stay out until midnight if you give me a blowjob.

Girl: Dad, that's disgusting.

The girl leaves the house and goes to the bar.

She meets a guy, they start chatting, then kissing.

It's 9.30, then 9.45.

Girl: Look, I have to go, but I'll be back shortly. I can stay out until midnight.

Guy: OK

Girl enters the house.

Dad still sits in the living room.

Girl: Daaaad, please, can I stay out until midnight?

Dad: Yep, but you know the conditions.

The girl really really likes this guy, so she decides to do the unthinkable.

She kneels down, zips up her Dad's trousers and takes his cock in her mouth.

She then quickly pulls it out and yells: 'It tastes like shit!'

Dad: Well, your brother came home 15 mins ago and he wanted to borrow the car.

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danepak    41

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over.

"I want to see the cocksucking, motherfucking boss now" he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"

"Yes sir I am" replies the manager, "but, I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here."

The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"

"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".

"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks. The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" he asks.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?"

"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered.

The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"

"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ringpiece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. Just after he has shot his load he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Excuse me. Do you know your knob is hanging out of your trousers and you've got spunk all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies..

"Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"

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GabiBoyd    133

Here's a Russian joke for you guys.

A man and his wife were driving home from a party late at night with their young child asleep in the backseat. Halfway home, they hear sirens, and the police are pulling them over. An officer walks up to the driver's window and asks the man to take a breath test. The results come back showing him to be several times over the legal limit. The police start writing up a fine, but the man protests vehemently:

"No no, there must be some mistake - I haven't had a drop to drink tonight! Your machine must be broken. Isn't it possible that your machine is broken? Here, test my wife too. You don't really think I'd get my wife drunk do you?!"

The police officers are sceptical but reluctantly agree to perform the breath test on the wife as well. The results come back and once again show her to be several times over the legal limit. The police are surprised but not shocked, and continue writing up the fine.

But once again the man protests.

"No no, I swear to you, your machine is broken - neither my wife nor I have had a single sip of alcohol tonight! You have to believe me - look, test my son, you don't really think I'd get my young child drunk do you?!"

The police officers laugh and agree to test the child, just to finally silence the driver.

The results come back, and their jaws drop. "We're very sorry sir. You've been right all along. Our machine really IS broken - it's showing your son to also be several times over the legal limit. We're very sorry to have taken up your time. Please have a safe drive home!"

The man thanks the officers, tells them it's no problem at all, and continues to drive home. After a few minutes, he turns to his wife and says:

"See! I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a bit of vodka!"

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Scouser    422

I said to the Mrs last night fancy a bit of rape role play ?

she screamed no no ,

I said thats's the spirit love getting into character already ;)

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AyeCee    647

I said to the Mrs last night fancy a bit of rape role play ?

she screamed no no ,

I said thats's the spirit love getting into character already ;)

The only pickup line that works.

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